My decision for

Expedition: Wholeness

Where I feel my journey began

Around 2007 I found myself at the proverbial crossroads. I was in a relationship with a person who truly loved me but, because of my own tendencies, had contributed to me being emotionally, mentally, financially and physically bankrupt.

At the suggestions of doctors, who by this time had diagnosed quite a few medical issues, I decided to at least tackle my physical issues and lost 60 pounds. Instead of then moving on to tackle my other bankruptcies I choose to drown out those bankruptcies with something I could completely immerse in. I lost myself into an online multiplayer video game that provided me with a social network to fill the time and gaps my relationship and my life didn’t currently have. While I knew this newfound sense of belonging compartmentalized my needs it began to open my eyes to just how profound my emotional and mental bankruptcy was. It did nothing for my financial bankruptcy which I was oblivious to.

So, after 11 years with my partner, I ended the relationship in hopes of tackling the emotional and mental bankruptcy I felt. Unfortunately, this left me even more financially bankrupt. This began a journey in 2010 that I was on for the next 4 years to try and learn how to build back my authentic self to a better place than I had started or was ever aware of and keep myself whole and happy. It also made me keenly aware of the fact that I was financially bankrupt.

Where I decided to get back on the road of my journey

Well like all good “derailment” stories, mine started with someone new. Fast forward to 2022 and I am now married with a wonderful daughter. But I find myself again, emotionally, physically, financially and mentally on the verge of bankruptcies. Shouldn’t having a spouse and children make me an amazing, superwomen who is happy beyond all belief? No. And those stories, whether it be from people on social media or Hollywood, just make me feel even more bankrupt and a failure.

So, instead I am tasking myself to get back on my own journey I started. Except this time, I am ensuring that those that love me are a committed part of the expedition ahead. I will use this blog to explore aspects of my life, things I am trying to change and analyze the successes and failures that lie ahead.

I have no desire to become Mary Poppins or a super model or even the greatest spouse or mom. My goal is to discover how to be secure financially, emotionally, mentally and physically with who I am while balancing a house, a family, a career and most importantly my own sense of self. If along the way I find I am happy as well that is just icing on the cake!

What shape am I starting in?

Sadly, self-viewed terrible shape. Yes, I could very easily say that there are always people out there in worse situations then me and, if I am honest, I probably have been saying that. While that is completely true, it has given me a viable excuse to deflect responsibility and allow myself to procrastinate and wallow in the state I am in. As the saying goes, “de-nial ain’t just a river in Egypt”. Time to be honest with myself.

So why a blog? And why anonymity?

The blog serves as a dual-purpose vehicle. I am putting this out into the world to keep me honest, make me retrospective and track where I am in my journey. I look around and find I am not the only one feeling some of these things. And if by being public someone reads it, and it resonates with someone else sparking a good change that is wonderful.

The anonymous style is to keep mine and my family’s privacy while allowing me to be as blatantly honest and open as possible. The internet can be a wonderful and grimy place with people being able to give opinions as nicely and cruelly as possible without any recourse or repercussion. This is my journey. My family didn’t ask to be “internet famous” and I respect their privacy by not giving theirs away to this blog. I hope you understand.

So, the decision is yours. Join me or not. But this is my Expedition:Wholeness.