How empty is my emotional landscape?
I feel drained. I feel tired. I feel I am running a race even when the world is blurring past me. I have trouble getting motivated to do things I like to do. I feel like I have very few people I connect with to call a friend. So why don’t I think I am depressed?
There was a moment in my life where I was getting out of a relationship and forced to move. Most of the friends I had then lived far away, and I was DONE with having a roommate. So, I moved into a place of my own. It was everything I needed. If my house was messy, it was my fault. And if I didn’t like the house being messy, whelp I had no one to blame for it staying that way. I learned the things that stressed me, the things that made me sad but most importantly the things that filled and fueled my days. I learned how much of an introverted person I was and recognized how to recharge my batteries even when the world around me was a pressure cooker.
Fast forward to the partner, the toddler, the house, the finances and stress which gets out of control, ALL needing my attention, my time and me to be present to give of myself; I struggle to ensure I take care of myself and recharge to be full and filled to be able to give. But my experience has pointed out that I am not sad. I am not running away to the nearest video game to completely absorb myself in. I am not allowing myself to stick my head in the sand to all the things that I know are not right. Yes, I have been slow to act but in the past when I was depressed I pretended nothing wrong existed to ensure that I just go through the motions until something changed for me.
That is not the pattern I see of my life right now. Unfortunately, the cycle has been I start the day drained from sleeping 5.5 hours a night, dragging myself through work that is currently completely virtual where I am constantly fighting the next big fire while trying to “right the ship” as best I can. While my work is rewarding, it can be absolutely exhausting when I finally call it a day. I then have an hour and a half to clean, cook dinner and anything else before my partner and my toddler come home both wanting my attention for the rest of the night.
And I want to give them my attention but having not recharged I feel guilty for any time I divert away from them trying to scrape a little bit of energy back into me. I could recharge during the evening except being an introvert I recharge by doing things by myself that usually requires space which directly conflicts with my sense of what I should be doing to be a good mother and good spouse, which in turn drains me more. How can I sew with a toddler trying to pull at the fabric as the sewing machine is pulling the thread? How can I find a quiet place to read when I know my spouse needs a partner who helps them through what they are going through? How I can I do something fun when the house looks like a tornado has blasted through it?
No, I have to find a way to recharge. I must get the stress within my control. Because being drained and stressed wreaks havoc in every other aspect of my life. It makes my migraines worse; I tend to stress eat all the wrong things for my PCOS which doesn’t help me lose weight and get moving. Yes, I have to find a way.
Where is my electric plug to get this battery back to full?
