I Found a Cave

I was getting overwhelmed. Work was ramping to hours when I was single that were completely doable and a fun challenge but not with a small child and partner who have their own needs and wants from my attention and time. Something had to give. I had to find a cave.

A place I could just hide all my worries and concerns to not see the light of day until I could ensure that the exhaustion that was mounting could be dealt with. When I could just place a boulder over the entrance and give work, my child, my partner all that I could give them as all of me was left waiting in that cavernous darkness I locked it away. And as things began to get more back to the new normal, I have been dealing with for the last year and I began to look at the boulder blocking all the things I needed to acknowledge to take care of my own mental and emotional being, the next barrier came in family visiting and planning on activities to make it all enjoyable.

And I knew I needed to open the boulder up even a little bit or else it would all hit me like an aircraft carrier was placed on my shoulder taunting me to stand and take ownership to gain control. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I needed alone time to process what I felt and my own thoughts. Assess where I was at and where I needed to be headed to not dip into that “safe” depressive state where nothing hurt me and I didn’t do anything but give to everyone else.

So, after a few days and nights dwelling the dampness of the cool rock I think I am ready to emerge. I absolutely want to stay in that cave. I want to hook up my computer and just drown myself in videos and video games numbing the growing fear and panic I feel about finances and physical concerns, but I am resolved to take baby steps to try again. But where has this lead me?

Whelp, I have quite a few dead plants between weather and my brown thumb that don’t lighten my mood when I hear my child saying “yea that plant is dead so we don’t need to water that one.” I was able to get rid of some clothes clutter in the house but it’s still not clean enough where the rooms make me feel organized and happy to have people visit. I decided that I feel better about myself when I have my hair colored and so I accomplished that. Did that solve everything? Heck no. But we are back to doing baby steps of change with some resolve to try different things to bring peace to my mind.

What’s my next step? I aim to either meditate or listen to soothing music twice a day. I have found that Headspace, an app that was recommended, has music specifically cultivated for calm along with its guided meditations for the day and sleep. I also have a fondness for certain looping YouTube channels such as Lofi Girl or even Monterey Bay Aquarium, which has the bonus of seeing sea animals move about the screen if you need a visual to music.

But I will also keep in mind where that cave is. It isn’t going anywhere and a cool, peaceful place is always a good place to know of when needed.